


Blue Eyes White Teeth: Your Fused Clinic!

by Jake_Witt



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25423309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jake_Witt/pseuds/Jake_Witt
Summary: Welcome to Duel World, my name is Toon Mermaid!I'm a third edition reprint that hasn't seen play in a couple years but I'm doing fine, honest! I actually found work in a veterinarian clinic owned by the Fur Hires and I get to meet so many-"Oy! Tumor!"Sorry, one moment. WHAT?!"Kaibaman just bought our clinic; we're dentists and surgeons now, Tumor!"
Kudos: 4





	1. Profile: Toon Mermaid

Name: Toon Mermaid (Common)  
Card: Level 4 Effect Monster [Aqua/Toon/Effect]

Pack: Retro Pack (2008)

My card is 12 years old as of July 8, 2020 but that's just a nexus to call me... Or at least it used to be. Once the Pendulum race was born, cards became our lifeline and many of us feared our cards were going to be trashed. My card was made before Pendulum so the effect isn't as strong but it could still happen.

My pack mate Toon Summoned Skull and some retired Normals are making a killing banking on everyone's fear of mortality.

I used to work at the Full, Messenger Fur Hire's "Together Furever Pet Clinic" for my two, going on three, years of unused. I was the best doctor; take in your Kuriboh and they'll fly fine, bring in a Scapegoat and leave with four. We also work on [Beast], [Beast-Warrior], and [Dragons] but if you bring in a [Fish], we call a guy.

My living situation used to be that I live with my mother but now I own the family house. My father was torn in half when he was used as fusion material for an Elemental HERO Divine Neos to win a game in a 2009 Tournament where he accidentally fell out of the deck as it was being shuffled and the guy who lost that game tore him in half. He was an Ultimate Rare Neo Spacian Aqua Dolphin from "The Power of The Duelist" who fell in love with a Rainbow Marine Mermaid that never saw National release.

He was her rainbow.

Now she's another reticent mermaid who appears only on very rare occasions, The Pot of Greed casino and bar as her only rainbow. She has a card in the Duel Links game app but having a digital card is not the same as the real thing.

The clinic? Oh. Well, we got bought out by Kaibaman- The same Super Rare from my pack but we weren't in the same packaging; it was just a neat coincidence. You think he would crack a smile or act like any of the other Kaibaman out there but he acts like a Seto Kaiba, the character he's based on.

Shouldn't you know who he is? You guys work for- oh. Oh. I don't follow many celebrities online but I've seen a couple of his houses on home renovation shows. He's the most obsessed Kaibaman out there. He has three original Yu-Gi-Oh! Blue Eyes White Dragon cards, Season 0 Bandai Blue Eyes I might specify, hidden in a vault with their images blown up and framed as large pictures in his house, he collects three of every Blue Eyes card of every rarity of every pack and he somehow bought his own card-

Yes! He has the actual cards! What are the odds that any average Joe can find let alone buy a Yu-Gi-Oh! card here in Duel World? He owns his staff and all of his dragons, even going so far as to ride around on a random Critias Dragon when he goes in to not sully his prized dragons.

Oh and don't get me started on his party house; He keeps a Gold Rare Obelisk The Tormentor that doubles as a DJ. I think the only words it knows is song names and [Machine] and [Warrior] insults; I heard some of his music online and he said, I kid you not, "Mooove oooverrr Juuunk; it's tiiime tooo fuuunk!"

Not to hurt his feelings but I don't know if he has a rap career.

Right, Kaibaman. I now work for his "Blue Eyes White Teeth: Your Fused Clinic" which has been shortened on paperwork as "BEW Teeth Clinic".

It wouldn't surprise me if he brought back his pet Toon Blue Eyes White Dragon for another dental whitening once we open-

What!

Where you guys going???


	2. Profile: Obnoxious Celtic Guard

Name: Kevin Jr.  
REAL NAME: Obnoxious Celtic Guard (ScR) (Limited Edition)  
Card: Level 4 Earth [Warrior/Effect] ~~Bad ass.~~

~~~~

Ay, numbnuts; I told you to not touch anything! It's not trash, look at this place; do I look like a hoarder? No? Then leave it. My coffee table doubles as my desk and play mat; you don't see me sending a picture of your brother to the dumpsta.

You want to know who I am? Do you not see the rainbow shine coming off my armor; I'm a Secret Rare Effect Celtic Guard. Obnoxious? That's just card text; they call me that because I'm loud and I can take a hit from the big boys. "Define 'big boys'?" Aight. Anybody with 1900 or more ATK.

I'm the guy you call when you need a Level 7 or 8 synchro or a rank 4 xyz during a dire moment. I'm not the best card but I'm a good one... or... I think I still am.

Personally, I was never on the field. Kevin had some commons and he kept at least one in any warrior deck. When I was summoned, it wasn't for a duel but for good fortune and no matter what I would be there to be a part of his life.

Kevin was a great kid; he originally had me in a sleeve with a hole punch at the top but then upgraded to a plastic card protector. I saw his highs and lows, seeing him move on from middle school, graduate high school, fall in love, graduate college, catch his love cheating... We were practically brothers.

I don't care about what you want to hear; you're here for me. Take this out in post if you're so picky!

I was there when his mom died! I was there when he found love again! I was in nearly every waking moment of his until two years ago! My card is in his attic instead of around his neck, he had a kid with Marcy and they have a second one on the way! I don't know what will happen to me.

Will he sell me? I'm worth $4.54 at TCGPlayer. Will I rot? I hope not.

New topic: Is Cure Mermaid still working at the clinic?

* * *

Name: Cure Mermaid (Common)  
Card: Level 4 Water [Fish/Effect]  
Pack: Labyrinth of Nightmare

Which Celtic Guardian? I don't know a Secret Rare Celtic Guardian. **Oh.**

Once you leave I'm going to request transfer to BEWT closer to where I live. I was going to resign but after the acquisition it felt like I was destined an easy way out of that shack.

I don't care that it's being rebuilt; I want nothing to do with this county, this town, this Obnoxious Celtic Guard.

* * *

I downsized to an apartment to pay her rent; I'm starting to think her love language isn't gift giving either. I'm surprised she doesn't have a boyfriend already with her amazing looks, cute, infectious laugh, and her amazing fish puns.

You'd at least think Gagaga Cowboy would go Gagaga over her.

* * *

Name: Gagaga Cowboy (Rare)  
Card: Rank 4 Earth [Warrior/XYZ/Effect]

Obnoxious Celtic Guard is an idiot and Cure Mermaid is a pink bitch. She looks like another princess but she's no Madolche; I've had to control some nasty dragons and bring them to the clinic but they're pleasant by comparison.

Examples? If that Utopia boy isn't behind that there front desk, that snake will go through your mail. I keep telling ma to send important mail to my home address but she keeps sending it to my work address and guess who empties the box of expensive chocolates every Valentine's day, birthday, and Christmas? Cure Mermaid.

I honestly thought I got her this year when I sent in a box o' laxative chocolates.

The bitch's gut kept screaming for the remainder of that day _and she held it in._ She eventually had to be sent home early where she got two days off! _Two days off!_

Anyway, back to me; I'm with Beast Control.

* * *

Gagaga Cowboy is my best bud but Gagaga Cowboy (Rare) is practically my best friend! My one fear that if I ever get to that stage with Cure Mermaid where we get some alone time, would I accidentally XYZ summon him? I'm all about sharing credit and glory but _not_ personal moments.

That's a weird question. E. HERO Inferno and E. HERO Burstinatrix's marriage is rock solid and if I did have any interest in Burstinatrix it would be awkward because her daughter, E. HERO Lady Heat, was a past flame, pun not intended. Plus she's old enough to be MY mother; I don't care who's card came first.

Toon Mermaid? She's clearly not into me. Why are you asking questions about my non-existent dating life?

I don't always live alone; I'm letting Toon Dark Magician Girl stay here until she can get back on her feet.

* * *

"YOU SOLD ME OUT!" a tiny scream was heard as a tiny blonde girl wearing a red Dungeon Dice T-shirt too big for her revealed herself, running past the camera crew and out the door before flying off on her staff.

Guard nervously scanned the camera crew, "She'll be back. Poor girl's home town has been leveled by Dark Magic Attacks since the guild wars broke out."

"What guild wars?" Abyss Actor - Mellow Madonna asked.

"I can't call it a race war if they're all [Spellcasters]," Guard said, sighing. "Some fool riled up the Black Magicians who sent guys after the dark skins who retaliated against the blondes with Red-Eyes Dark Dragoon and Dragun of Red-Eyes-"

"The Dark Twins?"

"Exactly. Well, Godfather Dark Sage sent in Dark Magician Knights to control the situation but it got worse. A Magician of Chaos was ritual summoned with one of them so they had to retreat and return as Dark Cavalry. Those not involved had to retreat, the land became lawless and whoever stayed... I'd rather not say. My dad, a UR Celtic Guard of Noble Arms, called me in to help an old friend get his daughter away from the conflict. I don't know why a Silent Swordsman LV5 is getting involved but I can't ask him."

Mellow nodded, "I see."

"Can we conduct this interview another time? No offense but I feel Pendulums are a tad cursed."

"I would've called you cardist if it weren't so true."


	3. Profile: Toon Dark Magician Girl & Number 39 Utopia

Name: Toma Girl  
OFFICIAL NAME: Toon Dark Magician Girl (UR) (Limited Edition)  
Card: Level 6 Dark [Spellcaster/Toon/Effect]  
Pack: _Enemy of Justice Sneak Peek Participation Card_

OCG doesn't remember me? I'm just the tiny Magician Girl in his apartment? We've been working at this clinic for three years and he doesn't remember tripping over me?

My job? I'm another surgeon; I put the animals to sleep, run x-rays, and sometimes perform the actual surgery. The tables are too tall and my staff isn't steady so I mostly run equipment and take care of paperwork. Boring stuff but it's better than what happens when I get sent out of the clinic.

* * *

Client: Silent Paladin (UR)

"Well, I called the Together Furever Pet Clinic and they send out this tiny chick with a stick. They sent a little girl to check on Sphinx Teleia and she started working on my partner," Silent Paladin reported. "She did a good job but neither of us could look her in her big, blue eyes when we see her in the grocery store."

Sphinx Teleia had a lot to say but was censored for profanity, graphic content, and sexual content.

* * *

Except for this one time but I don't want to bring that up. Let's just say I'm not afraid of dirty jobs and I got to deliver a Red-Eyes Baby Dragon. Well, if you call assisted hatching "delivering".

She grew up to be a Dragonmaid? Good for her! Hey, I bet she is a good Dragonmaid!

Um... Anybody see any good Duel World Duels? Well, if I just said "Duels" then your mind would immediately picture the humans instead of the Duels we have. Duel Circuits, Action Duels, Performance Duels, Monster Only, Dungeon Dice games, 1 v 1 Duelist Kingdom, 4 Player Free For All Towers, 2 v 2 Arenas, RUSH Duels, Speed Duels- Our whole society is more based on Dueling than the animes but we're more grounded in reality by comparison.

Do you see humans playing card games on motorcycles? It's dangerous, they could lose their cards, and some are too indecisive to focus on the road and the game.

...I'm aware of Dark Duels; I may have a youthful, child look but I'm almost 30.

Wait, it can only hear you talk? That seems like a design flaw.

Fine! Fine! You know how there's a dark web or a black market? There are inappropriate and shady duelings out there. Chip Dueling where you gamble with Master Rule 1 Decks, Strip Dueling where you have 8000 life points and every 1000 is an article, Shadow Games that send losers to the Shadow Realm, Seal of Oricalcos games where you become a slave if you lose.

Why do you need to know this?

I'm a sports fan; not a degenerate!

We get creepy clients. It's fairy standard for a [Dragon] to eat tiny Monsters but you need to ask about the canibal Kuribandit every now and again.

Get the camera out of my face.

I SAID GET THE CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE! We're done, here!

I played one game of Strip Duel in college, whatever, just leave!

Hey, Celtic Guard!

* * *

"She wants you to leave, Madonna," Obnoxious Celtic Guard said, pushing the Abyssal Actor and her camera crew out of his apartment with Toon Dark Magician Girl fuming behind him.

"But these interviews are getting stale! There's no drama to be found," Madonna whined.

"If you want drama, watch 'Real Housewives of Madolche Manner' or 'Gardna'."

The door slammed and three locks could be heard locking.

"I guess we move onto the new kid?"

* * *

Name: Number 39: Utopia  
Card: Rank 4 Light [Warrior/XYZ/Effect]  
Status: No card.

Well, I'm not cutting my gym time short so you might as well interview me here.

My card never got printed. I'm a Utopia without a card so I guess I'm immortal? There's nothing to tear or trash so I'm not shackled to weak cardboard... Ugh... Was I at 570 or 590? That doesn't sound right. Anyway, because I don't have a card, I'm a disgrace to my family. I come from a long line of monsters that used to be Utopia but then evolved or expanded their horizons but our family is worthless without at least one Utopia and I'm a Utopia without a card so it doesn't matter.

At least until my brother became a Utopia Double and got paired with a printed card.

That Ultra Rare shine on his smug face just makes me want to punch it. To make matters worse, job opportunities are worse for those without cards! How backwards is that? Nobody can control whether or not they get summoned and the cardless have to pick up where the printed left off.

Those are terms I came up with.

Can you guys hold this card?

I need to imagine his disappointed face on this bag. ONE! TWO! ONE! TWO! ONE! TWO! HE CAN'T ATTACK, FATHER, HOW! IS! DOUBLE! AN! UPGRADE???

* * *

"Because I have a cool effect that balances my power and I got a better paying job."

Utopia turned from his bag to see his brother in a business suit, his expression hidden under his helmet.

"I got that promotion to Vice President of KaibamanCorp, the same company that bought out your little doll house!"

"I run the front desk because I accidentally decapitated a Winged Kuriboh."

The gym fell silent.

Double coughed, "Aren't they all head with limbs?"

"You would think that. Still technically counts as a successful c-sect-"

"I'M DONE! SEE YA! FORGET YOU SAW ME HERE!" Utopia Double flew out of the gym while Utopia rolled his eyes.

"That was a lie; just telling him I put down the wrong [Dragon] didn't sound weird enough," Utopia returned to punching the bag. He readied a final punch before briefly disappearing.

When he returned he began beating the ground.

"I'm just DATA on Dueling Nexus??? I could be randomly summoned by anyone??? AHHH!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make a Finding Nemo "He touched the butt." joke but then Sphinx-ter popped in my head.


	4. THE GREAT KAIBAMAN

The smell of burning rubber fills the air on the Duel Circuit as two Duel Runners sped to unpresidented speeds on the track.

"I draw a card and play Neutron Blast! This duel is over," Kaibaman proclaimed to a cheering crowd whom also believed he won.

"Did I hear 'Stardust Flash'? I think I heard that," Stardust Phantom said, activating his trap card.

"I special summon... Stardust Spark Dragon from my grave!"

"Even with that Empowerment buff, you still take 1700 damage," Kaibaman laughed. "You only have 200 life points left against my 1500 life points guarded behind my two dragons!"

"But you only have one-" Stardust Phantom froze, _Wait. His face down card! Was that a hint?_

"Oh, that won't happen because my dragon can attack again!"

 _Neutron Blast! I completely forgot!_ Phantom thought.

 _Why am I acting coy? Seto Kaiba doesn't play coy with others then again I am more charismatic than- no. That's all Kaibaman and I refuse to be anything like **them**._ Kaibaman raised his arm, "Attack again, Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon!"

"You forced my hand," Phantom said, activating his trap card.

"I draw," Phantom said as Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon vanished. "I summon Mystical Sheep #1 and play Polymerization!"

"Fusion is just a cheap tactic to make pathetic cards stronger!" Kaibaman shouted.

Stardust Phantom smirked, "I never pegged you as the Steven Universe fan."

"Steven who?" Kaibaman asked before suddenly remembering, _Wait, that **was** a line from Steven Universe. That's going to dent my image._

"Anyway, I use the Junk Changer in my hand to summon..."

"...Dragon Knight Draco-Equiste and use its effect! I banish Black Rose Dragon!"

"I don't remember you using that card," Kaibaman said. _Unless..._

"That was from my _underwhelming_ first turn! This gamble paid off because only my Stardust Spark Dragon remains on the field!"

Every card shattered except for the mentioned card, flying behind its master.

Its stats changed:  
2800 ATK >> 2500 ATK  
2300 DEF >> 2000 DEF

"Stardust Spark Dragon, attack his life points directly!" Stardust Phantom commanded.

"I invoke my final Action Card!" Kaibaman commanded.

** <<ACTION APPROVED>>**

A spell card shot out in front of Kaibaman as a part of the track rose up, forming a ramp.

**< <ACTION CARD: MONSTER REBORN>>**

"YOU HEAR THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? THE GAME IS PAUSED; THE FIRST RACER TO ACQUIRE THAT ACTION CARD INSTANTLY REVIVES A MONSTER FROM THEIR GRAVEYARD!" the Announcer said, his voice echoing around the circuit.

"Th-that's not fair!" Stardust Phantom cried as Kaibaman sped up.

"Screw fairness, I have nitro boosters!"

**!! PENALTY: LOSE 2000 LP !!**

[A large bell rings and the circuit goes dark,](https://youtu.be/jya2eBCDcW0) purple and red smoke rise from the ground as a thick fog, only breaking behind the Duel Runners.

Kaibaman checked his rearview mirrors, watching as Ultimate Rare Duelist Pack: Yugi Dark Paladin flies in on a hoverboard, his spear acting as a Duel Disc while five cards float around him.

"I invoke Polymerization!" He declares, commanding the world around him instead of his cards.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT," the Announcer berates, "THE GAME IS PAUSED WHILE AN ACTION CARD IS ON THE CIRCUIT!"

"The rules have changed; we play by Black Magician rules, now! I call upon henceforth..."

"...this bad bitch to attack punk ass Kaibaman!"

Buster Blader, the Dragon Swordsman stats changed:  
2800 ATK >> 11800 ATK  
2500 DEF >> 11500 DEF

The card showed dominance, splitting a camera drone in half.

"THAT'S NOT A HOLOGRAM. THAT'S REAL PROJECTION! THIS ISN'T DRAMA; GUARDS ARREST THAT DARK PALADIN!"

Dark Paladin smirked, "Who's side are you on?"

Neos looked around, "Watch what you say, team."

"I know you can't beat my Swordsman but you definitely can't touch me with those pitiful ATK values."

"We have the same ATK values, **p u n k .** " Neos said, drawing attention to his +400 ATK.

"And you revealed my first target. Swordsman, end Kaibaman!"

Junk Gardna rushed to intercept Buster Bladder, the Dragon Destroyer Swordsman while Neos rushed to block Dark Paladin's attack towards his Comrade.

"What's a weak Normal like you going to do? All you're good for is ingredients!" Dark Paladin sneered.

"Why do you think I drag my son into these conflicts?"

**< <REQUEST APPROVED: POLYMERIZATION>>**

Neo Space Connector glowed orange as he phased into Neos, making him glow blue.

Stats changed:  
2500 ATK +400 +100 >> 3000 ATK

"Get off my racetrack!" Brave Neos said, shattering Dark Paladin.

Kaibaman was being held in the air by his neck when this happened, the Swordsman that shattered Junk Gardna vanished, allowing Kaibaman to fall on the Action Card.

As he limps back to his motorcycle, he calls out, "Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon returns to the field, my turn, I draw, I play Dragon's Gunfire, that's game!"

"I'm going home, guys."

"That's not fair... Or right..." Stardust Phantom said from under his motorcycle.


End file.
